I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
