i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
