Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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