the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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