I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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