Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
