Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Found your dick twin last night
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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