Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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