I think im going to throw up on grandma
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
this just has baby written all over it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
