Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
