it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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