You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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