i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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