and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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