Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
