Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I didn't notice because vodka
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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