so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
