Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
