I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
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I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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