So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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