I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
