Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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