The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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