i may or may not be watching the land before time
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
