my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
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A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
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I don't deserve a penis
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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