There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He's a Shit stain on my heart
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
