I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This toilet bowl is my home.
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