i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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