Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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