So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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