I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
where are my eyebrows?
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