I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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