I CAN MOONWALK!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
