I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize