You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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