Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
