Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
