apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
