oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.