Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
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I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
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answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?