6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
