The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea