Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
