What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
