I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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