I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
