I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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