ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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