I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
