So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
