So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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