She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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