My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
