I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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