shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
