we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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