can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
