I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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