Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
