I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
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Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
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Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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