Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
