i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
