I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
