I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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