apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
