Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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