Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Someone shit on the floor
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
