omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
