We're like a lot better than the average bears
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
