i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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