whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
